Really Old

Ok this post is long overdue but I just realized today that I needed to add some information.

We had Xions Memorial at our house in May. I cant remember which day. It is Jan 2009 already.

I want to let you guys know that we found two matching containers that are perfect for the babies. Treya is in one and Xi is in the other. The lids come off so you can actually see their ashes in the bags for anyone who is curious. I personally like to be able to see them. It makes me feel closer to them. I dont for the life of me understand how people can bury their children. Why on earth would you leave you baby in a dark scary cemetary every night. :-(

Anyway, here are some pix from his memorial and the little urns we got him and his big sister.

May 14th

Xion came home today.
Hes in a really BIG box. Twice the size of Treya's.
Thats very frustrating cause I figured he would be in a smaller box and I could set him on top of Treya and that would be that.
Now I have to transfer his ashes and I dont want to.
I have purposely not opened Treya's box.
I have had her on a shelf with bears
A daddy bear
mommy bear
and three sizes of brother bears.
Heres a pic:








You cant really see the brother bears in this pic but you can get the idea.

Sigh.

Meeting Xion

So its Wed night/Thurs morn 5-1-08.

Xion was born Tuesday 4-29-08
I call him my little alien baby.

He was 8 inches long and weighed 4.6 oz.

I was so blessed that he came out in one piece.
I have heard stories about babies that came out in pieces.
He was still intact in his sac when he passed through my cirvex.

I went in to The Woodlands Memorial Herman Hospital on Tuesday at 6am
They gave us a room and we waited.

At 7:05am they came in and gave me 4 pills of Cytotec vaginally.

We waited around and watched painful TV (the boys made me watch Saved by the Bell and Lilo and Stitch).

The boys fell asleep around 8:30am

My mother called on monday
I had told her a few weeks earlier that I was going to need her to watch them when I deliver and to please keep her schedule open. Im not sure what she heard me say but for some reason she called me almost every day for three weeks to tell me
1. Im going to the store if you need me
2. Im home now if you need me
3. Im going to step out for a few hours if you need me
yada yada yada

I didnt get my hopes up cause well........ shes my mother and shes not very bright or dependable.

So monday (she knew i was going in on tuesday) she calls and said.... Patty (its always Patty) and I have to take the van to the shop on tuesday so we will be "out of pocket" all day. But you know I remember how when Cody was born you wanted me to leave you alone (she was talking to me and asking questions while I was 14 hours into labor with NO MEDS!) so I guess you wont be needing me tomorrow."

I was just like.... yeah thats fine mom.
Im used to her letting me down.

So I went home and thought.... well Ill just keep them up all night that way they will sleep all day at the hospital. Which is what happened and caused another problem (lol) that Cody rescued us from. (more on that later)

So the boys fell asleep around 830
they gave me another dose of 4 pills at 11:05 and said... the second dose is usually what does it.

YEAH RIGHT
they dont know my stubborn cirvex.

3 hours later - nothing.
Im still sitting up
napping here and there ( I had stayed up with the boys)
and being bored
(they blocked myspace at the hospital so I lost communication with most of my closest friends...im not a phone person lol)

Anna came by on her lunch break and bought me some awesome flowers.

I kept going back and fourth between having shivering chills and not being able to get warm enough and then hot flashes where im hot and sweating and rubbing cold rags on my skin to stay cool.



so at 3:05 I get a third dose.
It wasnt until 3:50 I got what finally felt like the beginning of labor.
The boys were still passed out so I tried to sleep through most of it.
Around 4:50 it was hurting pretty bad so they gave me a pain med called newbane or something and dude..... I was feeling fine in like 10 minutes.
All warm and fuzzy and stupid.

Dr. Rawson poked his head in right about the time I was feeling that "I got to push" feeling and checked me and was like... Oh were done.

I was like what?

At some point Xion had passed through my cervix and was sitting in my birth canal.

So they got things ready at at 5:12 Xion was born.
Oddly & painfully enough NO ONE looked at the clock except me.
Not the dr or the nurses or Lance noted the exact time he was born.
:-(
That makes me VERY sad.

He worked on getting the placenta and stuff and it was all over at 5:25 and I got a shot of methergen that is supposed to slow down the bleeding.

They cleaned me up and brought him back in around 6 and we spent an hour taking pictures of him.
Brittani came and hung out and took some pix too.

Then we put him on his little pillow, told him goodbye, and daddy took him back to the nurses.

It didnt really bother me all that much until the goodbye.
I guess there is a part of us that are happy to have them, play with them, take pictures, talk to them even though they are gone. Even carrying him deceased was somewhat comforting.
It sucks to think... ok... hes gone forever now.
No more seeing him or talking to him
What makes us think they can hear us anyway.

I know Ill get to see him in heaven. But I want him now, I want them now.
Id so much rather be pulling my hair out with 4 kids under 10 than having Jesus baby sit two of them
But I know He knows best so......... im not going to question that.
That leads to the bad place and I aint going there.

Last night was a long night.

At first they were like..... oh youll get to leave about 2 hours after you deliver.
Then they were like......... yeah were going to keep you for the night.

I think that was because
1. I bled ALOT.
2. Checking my heart Brandy found a heart murmer. Yeah....... seems it was going ....wump wump wump pause wump wump wump. So they scheduled an EKG which was HORRIBLE and I didnt like at all and will NEVER do that again.

So I was like
im tired
lance is tired
and the boys woke up around 5pm.

AWESOME (sarcastically) :-/

So here comes Cody to the rescue. Couldnt hurt to ask right?
Cody can you please come to the hospital, take the car and your brothers, take them home and stay up with them allllll night long even though you just got off work and have to work again tomorrow at 4?

Sure mom. He was totally ok with it and happy to help and that blesses me so much.
Hes not a perfect kid but hes a good kid and he has a good heart and most importantly hes MY kid. My FIRST baby. And for 10 years before Lance he was my main man and kept me going and the reason I made good decisions. Arent kids great for that?
Growing you up?
Making you chose the better roads?
I mean you do it for them, but you get all the blessing from it.

My whole reason to stop dating losers was Cody.
I needed a good man for my son.
A man who loved Jesus.
A man who would never abandon my child.
I was an adult. I had been cheated on and lied to and left before. I could deal with it.
But I didnt want to let Cody become attached to someone who would hurt him.
So I chose Lance.
HAHA..yeah right. GOD chose Lance for us.
:-D

Sorry im getting off track.
Cody came, got them, took them to walmart and got food that mom doesnt let them eat (Trevan later said that was the best part) and they went home and played. At one point I called to check on them and Grant TIRED to tell on Cody but Cody was being silly and Grant couldnt tell on him for laughing and all I could hear was all three of them laughing so thats good.

I got off the phone and believe it or not could not sleep.
I missed my kids.
I mean, im with them 24/7
my back hurt
and I was bored.

I didnt fall asleep until between 4 and 5.
and of course when I did they came in to get vitals and take blood.
fun!!! :-/

They let me go home about 9am
and I came home and crashed.

We had two great nurses Irma and Vanessa most the time and the night nurse was Brandy who was also amazing and sweet!

Overall it went well and I know it was because so many of you guys were praying.
Thank you so much for your prayers and intercessions.

So thats the story of baby Xion who is in heaven with his big sister Treya who would be 1 year and 8 months old, my big brother who was my best friend for 10 years, and our Jesus.

He is in the process of being cremated and will be back home soon to sit on the shelf with his sister in my room.

We will most likely have a memorial at our house like we did for Treya so keep checking in for updates on that if you want to come over.

Thank you for reading and more importantly thank you for caring and for any tears you have willfully given up for me and my baby. I hope our story somehow helps you with yours.

Much much love and blessings
Stacy

Pictures of Xion

Its time

It is 11:15 pm Monday night the 28th of April.
I am supposed to be at the hospital tomorrow at 6am

They are going to give me Cytotec.

Im not looking forward to this.

So by tomorrow night I will have delivered.

I need someone to hang out with the boys tomorrow but have no idea who to ask.
My mother was supposed to but she forgot/cancelled and now has other plans.
(See why I dont get along with my mother.)

So we will have them with us all day.

This is my plan, crazy as it may sound.

We are night owls anyway.
probably 90% of the time we get up after 10am and hardly ever go to sleep before 1 or 2 am.

And probably half the time we stay up until sunrise.
Its just easier that way.
Dad goes to sleep
we do school work in peace and quiet with no interruptions.

We have been staying up till sunrise the last three or four days just because of my inability to sleep. SO........

I think we will stay up most of the night and they can just sleep in my room tomorrow.
That and game boys will get them through this.
I want them there.
Im just not sure who can supervise them when Lance and I are busy.

Yes, I know we are strange.
So drop your judgments right there
if you want to continue to call yourself a christian.
You cant even imagine how many people have judged me and ASSUMED
I was a bad mother just because we do things differently.

So anyway..........

The Woodlands Herman Memorial whatever hospital
6am
2nd floor

And Linda said I needed to eat a rump roast when i get home. LOL
Shes sooo funny.
But honestly, my body is going to be depleted of minerals and so I need to eat
an organic rump roast with the bone in it with lots of vegetables to restore my mineral balance.
I love her!
Sounds yummy.
If anyone wants to make that let me know. We will gladly pay for it!

Ok, I dont know who is still reading this but thats the update.
Its all good.
God is still in control.

Much love to you
Stacy

4-24-08

Wow, has it really been two weeks since I last posted?

Went to the doctor on tuesday. They are checking my blood for signs of infection.
All is well there.

They did another ultrasound and said my cervix isnt doing anything. It should be shortening and softening and its not. No surprise there. My cervix has always been uncooperative.

Trevan was 13 days late and I had to be induced twice.
Grant 4 days late and induced twice.
Even with Treya, 2 doses of Pitocin.

And today I found out WHY my cervix is stubborn.
Seems Pitocin once you take it, renders your baby delivering stuff unable to work unless you have.... yep... Pitocin. Linda said... I would probably never be able to deliver a baby with no help from Pitocin again. Wah to that.

It also strips your thyroid and I JUST got mine working again.

So my best option with Xion is to have a D&C.
I have to call Dr. Rawson tomorrow and let him know and see what he thinks.

He was encouraging me to do something. He was like... Hun your body doesnt seem to be cooperating in delivering this baby. By now most women are spotting or something.... I have nothing.
No spotting
no cramping
and one stubborn cervix.

So if hes free we will schedule something for saturday or sunday the 26th or 27th.

Im so not looking forward to this. I keep wishing my body would just absorb him and go back to normal. I mean, I dont even feel pregnant anymore. The indigestion has slowed down and I have tons more energy.

Linda said after I deliver she needs 6 months to get my body back to total health so we can try again.
6 MONTHS???

My biological clock is ticking FAST here! I mean, Im gonna be 41 in October!

sigh

but shes right. Im not the healthiest.
I want to fast for a couple of days as soon as she will let me.
I love the way I feel after fasting.

My head is so clear when my body is purged and sugar!!
YAY.

so... some things to look forward to.

We hope to have the memorial at our house like Treya's.

I just need to get it clean.
:-(

Anyone want to come help?

Thursday 4-10 night

Its 11:06 and Im beat.

I got my car back today and on the way home I stopped at Whole Food Market with the boys to get some chocolate peanut butter (to make mommy feel better)

Then we stopped at Target & Babies R Us to look for a baby book for him.

They all cost WAY too much for such a short life.
18 weeks old
:-(

I got one at Walmart which as more of a photo album but ill print some pages and add them. Its tiny and prefect for my tiny little 8 inch man.

Please continue praying
I want to say pray for a speedy delivery
but only in Gods will
I mean, if God wants me to carry him for the whole three weeks I will
happily
but my flesh would rather get this over with.

Gods will be done.


S

Thursday 4-10 afternoon

Reposted from my myspace
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Xion Dobson Braswell

We called PACN (pregnancy Assistance Center North) this morning and were referred to a Dr. Rawson who is a christian. We made an appointment with him to get a second ultrasound.


Just got back.


The US tech said, shes pretty sure its a boy.

Of course since he is so small we wont know 100% until we see him.

But thats what she thinks and I saw what I thought was a peepee.


She said he is about 8 inches long.


Dr. Rawson said that he has been deceased almost a week but not totally and that he probably died around April 3rd.


I have two US pix of him.


Its the same exact pic but one is plain and one is explained for those of you who have trouble with them.


We are going to wait until God delivers him and I will be going in every week so Dr. Rawson can check my blood and make sure im not in any danger.

It could be up to a month before I deliver.


I have total peace with all of this and I hope all of you who love me do also.

Thursday 4-10

Reposted from my myspace
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I have an appointment with a christian doctor today for another ultrasound.



Ill letcha know whats going on later today.



:-D

Wednesday 4-9 night

Again reposted from my myspace
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It has been a def interesting day.


Where do I start?

We went to Dr. Scotts office at 430 as planned.


I thought we were going to the hospital but Lance and I had a miscommunication. Hes the one that talked to her on the phone originally.



When I found out we were going to the office I was like...what? WHY?
Surely im not going to deliver in the office.



Back track a little.


1.

Im already a little pissed off because why the heck does a woman have to walk around 24 hours carrying her deceased baby inside of her?
It is a horrible feeling (and interesting enough a feeling that changed later).


But at that moment, I was very upset about it.



2. Why would you ask a woman carrying a deceased baby to go to an office where there are babies and pregnant women? Do people not understand how painful this is? Its not a lump of tissue. It is my child that was loved and wanted and planned and named and talked to and thought about and filled out hearts with joy. The demise of it is painful and it hurts to see pregnant women and babies when you are dealing with something like this.



SO i go in to the office,
nurse comes in, takes blood pressure
and starts taking stuff out of the cabinet.


gauze, boxes, all this medical crap... and im thinking
uh... am i getting a wart removed?
a tumor biopsied?

You are not touching me with anything in this office.



Dr scott came in and without even double checking for a heartbeat starts telling me
im going to give you some medicine
stick some crap in your cervix
and send you home

and im like OH HECK NO

I am not having my baby this way
I knew in my heart there was something not right about this

So I walked out crying
Lance was like..wait........wait

and well, you know me..................... buh bye.



and honestly the first thing I thought
(and I dont know why i didnt do it before)
is
I NEED TO TALK TO LINDA, SHE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.



Now for those of you who dont know Linda
shes my nutritionalist
she is an MNE (Master Nutritional Educator) and has done all her school but she does not use medicine or anything unnatural
I mean, if you break your arm yeah shes going to send you to get a cast DUH... shes not weird
band aids ok
ultrasounds ok
shes not a kook.



But she will opt for Gods remedy over mans any day and twice on Sunday.


and she has NEVER let me down.


She totally knows her stuff and every time I have gone to her with an ailment
and done whats she has asked
I have been cured
as have my children who are actually hardly ever sick anymore.



ok so back to the story
I called her sobbing
and she said she has JUST read my email and found out about the baby

I told her the story about what had just happened and one of the first things she asked was ...does this woman do abortions?

Which is question I never thought to ask Dr. Scott
and is important information for a christian to know about their doctor (duh me)



She said........ have you had any cramping or bleeding?
NO

Has your water broke?..............NO

She said.. then how do you know its dead?

me ---->The ultrasound?



She said "honey, those things have been known to be wrong "

and she wasnt saying it was wrong
she was just saying
look......... if your baby is deceased then your body is going to deliver it naturally.


And if its not, its going to grow some more.



God is in control of what happens to that baby.


What if its not dead
what if it is alive and you end up aborting it?

And i was like.......... OMG thats true
I mean.............. Ok so the baby may be deceased
and if so.......... God............. Jesus.......... Jehovah Rapha is my doctor
my DELIVERER!
He will deliver my baby
by natural means!

And I felt so much peace.


I honestly dont care if it takes another two weeks now
because I have peace that NOW God is in control of this
and that feels really good.



You may think im crazy but I I know this is right.


And Linda said............ Your baby may still be deceased and if it is
God is going to deliver it AND give you the strength to endure it.



true dat!



So thats what is going on
sorry this is so long
I have been on and off the phone all day (YES ME)
and I know alot of you wanted updates.


I swear I have the greatest friends ever and I am so thankful that so many of you have been in this with me.


For someone who acts all tough and pushes people away..........yeah its all fake.


Im really just a big wuss and I need yaull!
:-D

PS
Linda also said that one of her assistants had an ultrasound that said her baby had no heartbeat and they wanted her to deliver... she said no, i will deliver when God wants me to deliver and she had a healthy baby 6 weeks later!

Ok im going to sleep now
my eyes are burning
I love you guys
sorry this is so long

Wednesday 4-9

Reposted from my myspace
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Just woke up

going to spend the day with Lance
dont want to be alone

ill take the computer
dont know if ill have internet
i have so many messages to answer.



Please know that I love you all

Im ok this 10 seconds. I dont think its going to fully hit home until after tonight.



Much love and text me if you want to communicate throughout the day.



281-236-9***
S

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Tuesday 4-8 night

Reposted from my myspace

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Update & something funny

So its been a long day
Lance and I took the boys to my mothers and then he took me to have a margarita.

:-(

Ive been up since 4 but even so I doubt ill be able to sleep tonight.



I go into St.

Lukes tomorrow at 4:30pm
They are going to give me something that I think induces labor.



Then i think I have to wait all night and then ill deliver thursday morning.



So right now its just a waiting game.







But in the car on the way to my moms Grant said this
which made us all laugh
cause he can be very random sometimes.



"Mom, I think I broke both my corneas in my eyes. Cause people who break their corneas can do weird things with their eyes like..... (pause) Trevan can you eat paper?"

and Trevan said no
and Grant goes

"See, cause I can eat paper.

"

lol
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Beginning---Start Here 4-8

This blog is to record what is going on with our #5 baby who we have not met yet but we believe to be a boy we have named Xion Dobson Braswell.

Considering it all started Tuesday April 8th Instead of rewriting the whole story I will be reposting what has been posted on my myspace to let people know what is going on.

This is the first bulletin posted the afternoon of 4-8-08

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Sad News

We just got back from the doctor and our new baby is in heaven with Treya.



No heartbeat.



We didnt get to see if it was a boy or girl because it wasnt moving at all.



We are waiting for Dr. Scott to call so we can go in ASAP and deliver.



:-(
s

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